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dear xstense...

it's been years since you ended
and now i find myself relating your story here...

in 2000, when i was pregnant for the first time
when you entered me
i was shocked by your impact:
body, emotion, mind all thrown in a different balance
by you...
and when i started writing texts to you
i realized, there's at least 2 kinds of you :
you-the-one-inside physically
and you-the-one-inside mentally,
and i decided to address you both, as you fuse into one 'xstense'.

as the unborn entity in me
had as yet no name, no definite form,
i decided to communicate
through an anonymous alter ego:
xstense,
sending personal e-mails to a multitude of people
who had an influence on me: as my mirror, my example, or my judge.

this melting of a private inner world
and an 'art' position
meant breaking the rules
going for a very direct personal communiqu�
through a digital medium.

to my surprise, you Re:plied
forming many dialogues
defining a new
xstense
x stance
x=tense
x
.

next phases prompted new xstense texts,
new Re:'s were sent and received.
xstense parts 3., 4., 5. followed, gradually moving closer to the moment of giving birth,
part 6. after birth revealing more of the intent of the series.

many different reactions and Re:'s to reactions, guesses as to
x
's identity, people enjoying it and people getting mad at this
too personal non-commercial SPAM
formed a tapestry of intense e-mail
x change
during a period of 6 weeks.

xstense
's stripped-down language was read to be masculine,
notwithstanding growing allusions to being pregnant...

then, hotmail denied access.

after some deliberation, from my personal e-mail address,
i sent an e-mail
To: xstense
explaining the backgrounds of this work,
an revealing myself,
again leading to an interesting
interchange.


xstense had become a mixed-up state,
simultaneously 'me' and 'non-me',
'me' infected by 'you',
'me' who's being formed in the communication with you,
...

let's take you through xstense
step by step:

[on 1 january 2001 xstense wrote:](/Xstenseone)