S./The Bearer of STATE - a book by Karin Arink
Contents

> I was there.
> I was there and I will not hide why.
> I was there to end her, and I was happy with the chance.
> I was there and I am groud I was
> proud
> I was one of the people who killed her, yes I was.
> I hated her: just mentioning her would make bile and poison rise in me.
> I wanted to kill her, end it all
> Friends who wanted me to fight always knew whom to mention, and it never failed I can tell you. I explode at her name, at even thinking about her. I was there to end her once and for all
> I hated her hypocritical reforms, I hated the way she would remain aloof from any normal people, cold and haughty but oh so commonplace, a terrorist, a killer she was, for g--sakes!
> I hated her crowd mongering, the way she was being idolized. ooo lovy lovy, aargh
> I despise her condescending attitude, how she always knew what was best for us, how she knew democracy would be best for us; well we never asked for it, did we?
> I hated her hypocrisy: she pretended not wanting to be powerful, she pretended to hate governing, and yet her powers and presence were everywhere.
> And never a blink of feeling, of compassion, of even seeing us normal folks.
> Never! Hypocritical cold bitch, oh how I hated her.
> I hated her so much, and I was happy she had the fucking nerve to appear there.
> I saw her and my hate became a solid thing inside me
> There she was, right in front of me, that object
> that abject object
> the Filth she was, and she came to be destroyed by me.
> Filthy and obsolete idol of state.
> That Filth! seeping into us, corrupting STATE
> I was there to destroy that Filth, I was summoned and I come, I am proud I came
> I was there, and the hatred we shared was strong as a rope
> We were strong and solid and the hatred was like liquid burning through us
> I was there and it felt like we was all one, of course we had our doubts at the beginning, but when that filthy little chit came we saw we could do it, we felt it was right.
> We knew it was the night promised to us.
> We knew we were there for a reason. We knew we were right.
> The night was special, a right special night it was. We was all there, and this guy Martin was saying it right the way it was, and our anger was growing, and then there she was. There she was, alone.
> The arrogant shit! Did not think we could hit her, she, the holy one, pah! But she was wrong there, yes she was.
> We hit her alright.
> We hit her where it hurt.
> I was there to hurt her, and when my moment came, I hit that sham of a human with all I had.
> Yes, I did get the chance to hit her, and yes, I did.
> I hit her damn good, real good, and I even think I got to hit her more than some, though there was so many of us it is hard to say.
> We hit and hit and hit and it was so good to finally let her feel it.
> I hit her as hard as I could, and maybe might have missed.
> I tried to come close but the Filth is slippery as hell, but still then I could and I did, I hurt her as much I could, with all me strangth
> strength
> She had it coming, I tell you. All this etiquette bullshit, all these highbrow rules, all this worship.
> And then she was down, and we went on bashing her, and there was dirty gray blood, and it was no human blood I tell you, so our anger continued, and we went on, and then there was parts of her torn off and still we went on because we knew we had to go all the way, all the way and not stop before she was done for. Totally done in for. Totally destroyed.
> And she was done for alright, I can tell you.
> She was shredded by our fists and I do not regret it.
> I was there, remember?
> That was the night when we finally ended that bullshit thing.
> That was the night when we finally ended STATE.
> We destroyed STATE, we did, finally.
> We are the ones to destroy STATE.
> That obsolete usurper of our powers.
> That filthy thing.
> And I am proud. So proud.
> Because we are the ones to finally end it. For once and for all. And yes we did.
> But then this strangest thing happened. As we stood there, howling our triumph, then, out of the blue, a dense mist came creeping up our ankles. When that bitch had finally gone to pieces, and that thing had got blotched and started leaking something filthy, suddenly the whole ground was covered in a layer of mist.
> And the mist was rising and rising.
> And the mist was cold, very cold, and it felt oily like her blood. I know, this sounds far off, but I tell you, we was there and the mist came and it grew over our heads so rapidly we did not even have time to look each other in the eyes, and then we was all alone, alone in this cold, in this icy mist.
> It was terrible.
> And I groped about because I just wanted to touch someone, anyone, and it should be possible, seeing as we was so many there, but no matter how I grope about there was nobody.
> There was no fucking anybody around! And we was pushing and a-shoving each other just minutes before!
> I was there and the mist came and isolated me, and there was no one.
> Nobody. Nothing. And I was afraid. Where was I?
> And also I then became very afraid to grope about, ‘cause what was there hiding in the icy mist? What was that clammy feeling all over? What was cutting me off from the others like that? What anger was that, surrounding us, what high howl of bloodthirsty anger? What was it going to do to me, there alone in the cold? My brains were hurting from the terror of it! I never, never want to think of it, never more, and I will write this down once before they blast that experience out of me once and for all.
> And I will say this once and never ever again.
> The cold came and ate me, and I was gone then found myself alone and hurt.
> And later, much later, when I found one of my friends who would even talk about it, he also said, why was I gone, where had we all gone? But I had not gone, I swear, I was there and we was all there. But only we was all isolated by this cutting cold mist, and I tell you it was seeping out of that cursed thing it was.
> We was still there, see? But we could not find each other, and we could only feel this hole eating away at us, I cannot say it more clearly I can’t, and also, I won’t, I do not wanna say anything more about it.
> I was there is all I can remember. All I want to remember. All I will remember.
> It was the Filth eating us.
> It was the corruption taking over our minds as it seeped away.
> It was the most terrible judgment passed over us.
> I cannot say.
> And then the mist was seeping away and it was going all directions at the same time: up into the air, spreading through the streets of the city, and sinking down into the sewers, and I can still feel it, everywhere, you know, everywhere.
> The damn thing has just evaporated and I don’t care how many tons of stone they put on the remains, they cannot keep it there because it has already spread, see, it is everywhere and thank God it is diluted so that it cannot really hurt us anymore but still it is everywhere and when we eat and drink and think and speak it is there.
> It is listening even as you ask me to tell you. So I will say nothing more.
> I cannot remember. I cannot say. There was just this cutting silence.
> And this is why my friends will not tell anymore, see, they are afraid it will get back to them in some way, creep up from the sewers and kill them in their sleep, strangle them in their dreams, suffocate them or electrocute them in the icy cold mist.
> But I will damn well say what I want and what I did even if also me I awake many a night with the clammy mist sticking between my fingers, on my throat, in my chest.
> I was there, and I will not hide this from no one. I was there.
> And I will say it now for the last time, for tomorrow they will cut that part out of me, you know, finally, and I do not care what that’ll cost me, cause I don’t have nothing left anyways, see, I have nothing left.
> I have nothing left.
> I have no one left for me. I have no one.
> I have nowhere safe to go to, now. I have nothing.
> Nothing.
> Nothing.

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